Frequently Asked Questions Infrequently Asked Questions


Are you the owner/manager?

If you are not the owner/manager of your business, the vast majority of our experience has been that you desire to sell us something we don't want. In an effort to save a little time all around: NO

Thanks for asking, though.

Is Harold available?

Do you mean Harold Gatekeeper? Harold's always around somewhere, but his answer is almost as unchangeable as he is: NO

Thanks for asking, though.

What is the model number of your copier?

Lost it again, have you? Honestly we don't know why we continue to do business with you.

Thanks for asking, though.

Would you like to be an exclusive advertiser in our directory/sports calendar/telephone book cover?

None of these fit into our current marketing plans.

Thanks for asking, though.

Would you like to save BIG MONEY buying our printer toner/cell phones/yellow page ad?

These are such minor expenses in our budget it is extremely unlikely you can make any meaningful difference.

Can you do anything for us in the areas of insurance, fuel and vehicle acquisition? No?

Thanks for asking, though.

Would you like to LOWER YOUR RATE by switching to us for credit card processing?

This is such a minor expense in our budget it is extremely unlikely you can make any meaningful difference. Especially as you are most pointedly not offering to reduce our monthly fixed processing costs.

Can you do anything for us in the areas of insurance, fuel and vehicle acquisition? No?

Thanks for asking, though.

Would you like to meet with our business consultant in your area?

We don't believe such a meeting would be productive for either side at this time.

Thanks for asking, though.

Would you like to purchase stock in companies you've never heard of?

It's amazing what a little Internet research can turn up.

Did you know that the principal of Company A you're pushing was cited by leading financial publications as behind the single worst IPO of the year at his previous company?

Did you know that on the same day you called about Company B , the attorney general of the state you called from issued an injunction to shut down its fraudulent activities?

Did you know that Company C has traded at twice its current price within the last three years despite your claim that it has been flat within that period?

So pretty much NO.

Thanks for asking, though.

PS. It doesn't help your cause to describe the few thousand dollars you're asking for this time as less than you spend in one evening at a *cough* Gentlemen's Club *cough*.

How about a tip on a stock you have heard of?

The standard script says that if "this small transaction" does what you say, that shows you're the Real Deal and we become morally obligated to give you more next time, right? On the other hand if it doesn't, then you cash out whatever funds we have left, close the account and we part ways with no hard feelings, correct? Then comes "What could possibly be fairer than that?"

Here's the thing: we don't think that's nearly as fair as you'd like us to believe. We put up a tangible asset that can be lost, but you put up nothing and therefore have nothing to lose. If the stock goes up we get a little more of what we already have, and you get something you do not presently have. If the stock goes down we have less of what we already have, and you do not get something you already don't have.

So pretty much NO.

Thanks for asking, though.

Are you still investing in gold/gems/coins/stamps/oil wells?

Oddly enough we are not. We have no idea how this rumor got started. We can only surmise that there is a lucrative business selling this sort of information regardless of its accuracy. It is possible you paid too much for it.

Thanks for asking, though.

Are you still planning on moving your office soon?

Oddly enough we are not. We have no idea how this rumor got started. We can only surmise that there is a lucrative business selling this sort of information regardless of its accuracy. It is possible you paid too much for it.

Thanks for asking, though.

Are you looking for cash to expand your business?

Oddly enough we are not. We have no idea how this rumor got started. We can only surmise that there is a lucrative business selling this sort of information regardless of its accuracy. It is possible you paid too much for it.

Thanks for asking, though.

Then you must be looking to sell your business?

Oddly enough we are not. We have no idea how this rumor got started. We can only surmise that there is a lucrative business selling this sort of information regardless of its accuracy. It is possible you paid too much for it.

Thanks for asking, though.